Step 1

Last weekend I thought I spent an amazing weekend with the "love of my life"
I thought it was the connection and time we needed and it felt like it.
We laughed, we sang, we played, we kissed, we made love, we laughed for more than 72 hours of pure joy and happiness.
Along came monday and I already knew that everything was back to how its been for him
that this is nothing serious
that he cant commit
that he isnt ready for this
and here i go again on a roller coaster of emotions of what i can do to fix this
what i can do to make him see that this is right
to make him believe me and to make him take the journey with me
but maybe im wrong
maybe im the stupid one - i mean he could have anyone he wanted
hes gorgeous
he has a personality to match
hes funny
basically hes just a dream guy
so why would he settle for me...
anyway after a week of wrecked emotions

i decided to do what the blog was intended for - my journey to become more like  a man - stop putting emotions first, stop falling in love and basically make the word "love" disappear from my vocab.

In comes a very old ex - im talking 1998 - 13 years ago....
he was my bad boy, the type you see on movies, the one you can never get
well i had him but i let him go...
we've stayed in contact over the years and gone for a drink or two but nothing serious
we've always played this teasing game because hes my bad boy and im his baby blue eyes
when we used to kiss it felt like time stood still, we would sit in his car and kiss for hours
so lately we've been teasing each other over sms's etc that we need to hook up and see if those kisses are still so good
we also always tease each other by asking what each other is wearing etc etc
im sure you all know how it goes
so we've been planning this hook up for a while
so i woke up on sunday morning, tired of feeling sorry for myself and sent him and sms saying i was waiting and he didnt need to worry about what he was wearing cause he wouldnt be wearing it for long...
now for those of you who know me, know i would never ever say anything like that...
so get in my car determined to have meaningless sex and see what it felt like and see if i could just erase all emotion and all thoughts of the love of my life out of my head.

well what happened could have been in a movie
we laughed and laughed and chatted and chatted
he started tickling my arm and i knew it was now or never.....
I leaned over and kissed him
and we didnt stop kissing for an hour
but everytime i opened my eyes i kept seeing that it wasnt the love of my life infront of me....
but it was my objective to make this happen and see if it helped at all....
eventually he got up and pulled me to the bedroom.... *insert dramatic music here*

I cant say we had sex because it was far too romantic for that, it really was a scene from a movie
but again everytime i opened my eyes i kept thinking this isnt the right guy
is that what people feel like when they cheat?
but trust me it was amazing, no beyond amazing..... sigh.....

So what now?
I walked away achieving a goal, that I could have meaningless sex? well could i?
it didnt help me get over mr right
it made me feel guilty

so do i just try it again and see if it get any better?

needless to say today i have had a cheesy grin on my face allll day and keep giggling to myself
and just to make it worse im stiff as hell :)

anyone got the next victum theyd like to suggest?